As I was driving in the car today I was feeling especially down about not having a good grasp about my purpose and direction in life.. Even though God has shown me countless times that He loves me and has a good plan for my life there are still a lot of times when I wonder why I’m here in medical school, in Texas, why my social life is on hold, why I have to put music on the back shelf… I’m thankful for the opportunities don’t get me wrong, I’m super thankful, it’s just hard to be excited when you can’t see the next steps in front of you and there’s an ache in your heart for things that you’re not guaranteed to have anytime soon. Oh my frail human heart. 

I was having this kind of day.. (Actually, it’s more like a few months.. or rather all the years in med school).  

Indeed there have been times in 3rd year where I’ve felt joy and excitement about my future as a doctor. They are mostly when I’m in the hospital and I meet a special patient or when I’m discussing an interesting case and I feel like I’m solving medical puzzles like House.. it’s these shining moments that keep me going and encourage me that sacrificing everything else is worth it. Trusting and following in obedience is completely worth it. But recently I haven’t had any of these moments and the problem is mainly that I tend to consider these moments as evidence that I’m really supposed to be here, that He really wants me to do this.. and there is some hope that all the things that I truly want to do deep down inside, some things only He knows of, will one day fuse together and I’ll say “ah! so that’s what this was all about!”. So today I simply asked God to keep giving me signs that he really wants me to be a doctor. 

Well today He delivered and gave me one of those signs. A really nice one.

I almost cried. I am so thankful and humbled because I’m realizing that being here is not something that I can do on my own. I’ve never felt so weak or inadequate in my life as I have these past few months and though I’ve felt humbled before, it’s to the point where sometimes I don’t feel like myself and I wonder where my strength has gone. But I was thinking about it and I think I’m experiencing (again, but in a more profound way) what I often used to say in words. Perhaps, it trully is only at our weakest, most pitiful states where we experience grace in such a way that it feels incredibly potent. 

So I’m seeing that He really is paving my way, He really is watching over me, and He really does have a plan for me even when I can’t see the next steps. How many times must I be reminded of these simple loving truths? What a silly human I am. 

Who knows..  in this life I will probably experience more times of weakness and they will probably be much harder than these times (I hope not) but they’ll be ok because I’m convinced (again) that He has hidden purposes. So no matter how many times I have to be reminded or how many lessons I have to learn… I will keep walking. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)